“Bright” Film Review

"Bright" Will Smith

“Bright”

Dir; David Ayer.  Starring; Will Smith, Joel Edgerton, Noomi Rapace.  2017.  TV-MA.  Color.  117 min.

"Bright" Movie Poster

“Bright” is the jaw-dropping new fantasy action film from director David Ayer.  Jaw-dropping in the sense that it is so awful you will be incapable of closing your mouth as you are constantly screaming at your television due to the stupidity of what is happening before your eyes.  Characters are one-dimensional, action sequences are loud and obnoxious, and the script is racism 101 as presented by the unintelligent.  The director of “Suicide Squad” has out done himself in presenting us with an exercise in non-sensical moviemaking.

In an alternate reality, Orcs, Elves, Fairies, and various other mystical creatures have existed alongside humans for thousands of years.  In the modern day, Elves have become the rich elite and Orcs are the impoverished working class/gang members (white people versus minorities, in case Ayer doesn’t make the metaphor blatantly obvious enough).  Will Smith plays officer Daryl Ward, a South Central L.A. cop hardened by years of policing one of the most dangerous cities in America.  His new partner is Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton, the only actor actually trying in this mess), the first Orc police officer in history.  Ward hates his new partner, as humans hate Orcs in general.  Jakoby has dreamed his whole life of being a cop and, despite the blatant racism throughout the precinct, he is proud to wear that shield.

During a routine neighborhood stop, the two men encounter Tikka (Lucy Fry), a young Elf frightened and afraid.  She has stolen a magic wand from her sinister boss Leilah (A forgettable Noomi Rapace), who must get it back to bring about the apocalypse, or something like that.  Magic Wands are the ultimate weapon, but only a Bright can yield such power.  Don’t ask me why or what makes one a Bright, just go with it.  Corrupt cops, dangerous Mexican gangsters, and evil Elf ninjas quickly learn that the trio have a wand, and all will stop at nothing to get this powerful weapon for themselves.  Thus ensues an overlong chase sequence of random explosions and night club shootouts as Ward and Jakoby fight for their lives to protect the world from ultimate destruction.

Almost nothing in this film makes sense.  Bad guys walk into rooms and just start aimlessly shooting machine guns at the camera.  Cars flip about on a whim, constantly defying gravity and logic.  My favorite example of how dumb this movie is comes with the head of the Mexican gang, who is in a wheelchair.  He wants the wand so he can walk again.  Our heroes and the gangsters get into a multi-block car chase, shoot at each other as they run through countless clubs and apartments, before the gangsters finally have them cornered.  Out of nowhere, the head honcho literally rolls in to make his menacing speech.  The guy is in a damn wheelchair, how the hell did he keep up with all this chaos?!  And on top of that, as soon as his speech is done, three Elf ninjas show up out of nowhere and take out a legion of gangsters just in the nick of time so that the heroes can escape and the action can continue.  Keep in mind, this is just ONE example of the idiocy that exists here.

“Bright” is on the intelligence level of Sunday morning cartoons, such as a “My Little Pony”.  If this were made for four-year-olds, I would have no issue.  Instead, Ayer tries to infuse this story with the same gritty realism that made him famous with his far superior “End of Watch”.  Needless to say, that was a bad idea.  Corrupt cops, violent street gangs, and strip clubs mixed with magic wands and Orc racism is utterly laughable.

Will Smith has made some horrible movies throughout his career, always banking on the audience to care because he has that “Fresh Prince” charisma.  In “Bright”, the only time Smith seems to be trying comes during slow motion shots of him shooting a shotgun while looking cool.  Fun drinking game, every time Smith yells “Oh Shit!” take a drink.  That way you won’t be sober by the end of this film, and hopefully the alcohol helps you forget what just happened over the last two hours.

Suck Factor: out of 7 (7 means your movie really SUCKS!)

Written by Byrd

*The Suck Factor! – How it Works

I’ve flipped the switch on the standard rating system for film criticism. Instead of rating a movie with stars or letters representing how good a film is, I rank films from 0 to 7 to tell you how much a movie SUCKS! So if the film is a masterpiece, like “The Godfather” for example, then it gets a 0 on my scale, meaning the movie gives 0 SUCKS! If the movie is absolutely terrible, for instance every Michael Bay film, it scores a 7 so you know to avoid it at all costs.

For all other movie review requests, feel free to comment here, or send us a message! & Don’t forget to sign up for updates in the sidebar to the right so you’ll never miss a review!

Follow on Bloglovin
Continue Reading

“Suicide Squad” – SUCKS! Film Review

Jared Leto as the Joker.

“Suicide Squad”

Dir; David Ayer.  Starring; Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Jared Leto, Viola Davis.  2016.  PG-13.  Color.  123 min.

When I walked out of “Suicide Squad” I was reminded of when I was a 12 year old boy, just beginning to discover the wonder of the movies.  I got my hands on my first video camera, and the world was mine for the taking!  My friends and I were brimming with excitement as we used that camera to make our first movie, shooting in our backyards over the summer.  If at the end of the summer, “Suicide Squad” was the movie we came up with, it would be a decent effort for a bunch of 12 year old boys with undeveloped minds and no trained actors.  However, “Suicide Squad” is made by adults and veterans in the world of movie making, most of whom would at least claim to have fully developed intelligence.  Going off this movie alone, I question how developed these people really are.  This is one of the sloppiest, ugliest, most ruthless attacks on my senses, disguised as a movie, I have ever sat through.  Shame on everyone involved, SHAME!!!

David Ayer is not a good director.  I’d call him a complete chump, but his 2012 film “End of Watch” was decent enough.  When “Suicide Squad” was first released in 2016 it was panned by critics and got an abysmal 25% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Ayer joined Hollywood types like Zack Snyder and Dwayne Johnson in attacking critics, citing that their critically panned movies were “made for the fans, and we don’t care about what the critics have to say”.  No David, you made a shitty movie that doesn’t care about anyone.  This recent backlash by Hollywood against critics, Rotten Tomatoes in particular, is eerily similar to President Trump’s insistence on everything being fake news.  If people don’t like your movie and the only response you have is “I don’t care what you think.  This isn’t for you anyways, it’s for the fans.  You guys are meanies!” then you’ve probably just made a really shitty movie.

The “story” is a complete mess from the get go.  Some mystical force has been awoken and possesses the innocent June Moone (a completely forgettable Cara Delevinge) to become “The Enchantress”.  Government types get scared, and they decide to release 7 bad guys from maximum security prison to fight this threat.  Cause, ya know, that makes sense…  Even though this movie follows all the worst superhero formulas you can think of, they never forget to remind you that “they’re the bad guys” every five minutes so you don’t forget.  The Suicide Squad is basically a collection of broke cosplay kids that got arrested on their way to comic-con.  The group proceed to fight hundreds of gooey zombie-like henchmen for most of the movie in order to defeat Enchantress and save the world (sorry, forgot to say SPOILER ALERT!).  Imagine the Puddy characters in the “Power Rangers” series, only black because this movie is so dark bro.

Everyone was pumped to see Jared Leto as the new Joker because Leto can be a good actor when he wants to.  This rendition of the classic villain is horrendous.  When the hell did the Joker get a grill?  I mean look at that stupid picture above!  I’m supposed to think you’re crazy cause you got “HA HA HA” tattooed all over?  That doesn’t make you crazy, that makes you an idiot.  Instead of focusing on the spirit of the character, an insane force of nature who’s sole purpose is chaos, this movie turns him into nothing more than a cool T-Shirt at your local Hot Topic.  Fanboys complained in particular about how Joker’s relationship with Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie, playing every slutty girls new favorite Halloween costume) wasn’t true to the comics.  What relationship?  Leto is only in the movie for 10 minutes!  If they had made a movie with better characters populating it then nobody would have noticed how little screen time the Joker gets.  But all of these characters suck!  That’s OK though because remember, they’re the bad guys.

The editing by John Gilroy feels like he was getting over a bad night of cocaine use when he hopped on his computer at 3 in the morning and just threw this turd together.  Cinematographer Roman Vasyanov helps to further pound the viewer over the head with his always-moving-for-no-reason camera work.  And Will Smith, you have no excuses here.  You’ve had a hell of a career, and you should know better.  Same goes for you Viola Davis.  I want you to remember how bad this movie is the next time you’re polishing that Oscar.  Bottom line, “Suicide Squad” isn’t a movie that only fanboys can appreciate.  It’s a grueling two hours of your life that you can never get back.  I’d rather watch a week long “My Little Pony” marathon on VHS tapes non-stop than have to sit through this movie ever again.

Suck Factor: 7 out of 7 (7 means your movie really SUCKS!)

Written by Byrd

*The Suck Factor! – How it Works

I’ve flipped the switch on the standard rating system for film criticism.  Instead of rating a movie with stars or letters representing how good a film is, I rank films from 0 to 7 to tell you how much a movie SUCKS!  So if the film is a masterpiece, like “The Godfather” for example, then it gets a 0 on my scale, meaning the movie gives 0 SUCKS!  If the movie is absolutely terrible, for instance every Michael Bay film, it scores a 7 so you know to avoid it at all costs.

For all other movie review requests, feel free to comment here, or send us a message!  & Don’t forget to sign up for updates in the sidebar to the right so you’ll never miss a review!

Follow on Bloglovin
Continue Reading